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|Friday, March 4th, 2005|
|Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004|
The path of least resistance? no, it doesn't sound right...the path of maximum challenge....no, my apathy knows it's bounds. waiting, always waiting. For the time to do something, to be something, to enjoy something.
I want Tania, but not in a realistic way, now that I think about it, my relationships were all an unrealistic abstract concept. Sex, cuddling and corniness, but no involvement, no discussion of a life together, no drama or argument of what we would have to compromice to live together, or even things as simple as buying gifts. I want all the good without the complicated. and I know these are the things that linger. Even if I do reach for Tania, what am I to do for her daughter? when she wants me to meet her family?........
things I dread, things I never considered, and to most they are the most mundane.
I ponder of my own worth, and all too often wonder what will become of this, at every plateau of developement. I stand and wonder how much work it will take, to become the person I want to be.
Keep reminding myself, and not only that, but keep seeking.
Women are a moot point for now..................and yet I still get so meddled up wioth them...cursed are my eyes Current Mood: guilty
|Tuesday, February 10th, 2004|
How do you reach back?
I used to love someone, but not anymore, well not in the same way, I just remember how much fun we used to have just talking. Ofcourse I screwed it up after the relationship ended ,(I'm not sure but her unfaithfulness was a little bit much to take right then). I now think of her as someone I'd like to have as a friend, no ulterior motive (I'm wondering if anyone will actually believe me, I say alot of things that are usually met with a comment like "yeah, right").
If at all, I'd at least want her to tell me what to do with her stuff, and how she's doing. I sent her a few long winded letters but she hasn't answered. I'm a bit far to call her (Korea to Scotland calling cards aren't too common).
I miss her advice and her laughter, it was sharing. WAY before we were "together", I can't believe I screwed the proverbial pooch on that one. Then again it happened more than just once.
Any thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? Current Mood: melancholy
|Friday, February 6th, 2004|
Motor race...mother gone
I ponder about this entire situation, my "knight in shining armor complex". All the women I am attracted to have some kind of distress that I subconciously think I can "save" them from. I have a half assed obsession with "saving" women, and after I stand them up on their two feet I expect them to leave me. Maybe it's poor self image, or lack of confidence in myself. But I always try to imagine the things I cou8ld offer someone in this position. I wanted to marry Tania, but not to make my life easier, but to help her make a life where she could have a fighting chance at not worrying if she'll make enough money for her and her daughter.
Another thing, I am pissed off at how women seem to want to make things so damned "nice and polite" rather than just blunt and straight forward, you know how much trouble would be avoided? If Tania had just said "it was fun, goodbye"? I mean what the hell? giving me her address, and her ring. What kind of sick game is that to play with someone, I know she won't answer any letter I send to her, and what do I even SAY to someone like that? She has a family and a boyfriend she wants to marry. I'm not much of anything in that picture...And have her friends tell me I meant somehting to her what the hell? why be nice if you're just going to disregard the person anyways, what's wrong with being a realist? Sparing feelings? it's worse off if that person being "spared" is so misled. I "love" her, and it was all a big misleading put on.
And now I wonder about people that just dissappear too, I pushed away some people effectively. And I see that maybe it was wrong, but the truth of the matter is that I was getting frustrated. I care about someone but this damned computer is a limitation, I don't know where I'll be a year from now, can't promise anyone anything, I care about people deeply. people I've known for a year or more, and they aren't numerous, nor are they common. I put in my profiles for people to feel free to contact me, but a crap load of them are annoying clingy idiots, and the people I do like are often far far away. it gets to me because alot of the time they're the kind of people that I want to be with but I can't. And the whole half assed "pack rat" thing where I hang onto them for months and months until I get a chance or the means to visit them just isn't feasible. I actually told someone I love them, and they drifted away. I don't blame them, I just kind of feel horrible because I would want to be with them, but have no foreseeable possibility for anything like that. I know it's unrealistic to ask for anyone to wait just like that, with anything but just a word...I've done it before,but the childish beliefs have left me. "Ever after" doesn't exist and the "true love" that expels all evil is not there. I can't even begin to imagine what a "normal" relationship is. It's always a period, whether it be 5 months or three years where things are awesome, and then they just blow away like it were made of ash. Not always does tragedy play a role, but it is irritating that it ends regardless of how well it was going.
where does one stop considering the implications...she had a daughter...I couldn't offer her a "normal family". I love her but...
I think I contemplate too much, I think I live in a blur of existence, where past events are bumbling in my mind so often it becomes a part of the movement of time in my perception, therefore I miss the full impact of the moment.
I give up on searching...hell she showed out of the blue, and she left just as casually.
I love her, I love the women before her. Each one a lesson, I never forget anyone that taught me something. maybe the pretty pictures and the lessons learned are all the things I need to hang onto. live and move on, every moment, for the moment. reaching back to smile and remember the good, but not to relive it. I almost forgot myself...
I do miss Tania, but it is time to go. Current Mood: contemplative
|Saturday, January 31st, 2004|
why is it that the things you love in a person are indescribable. What makes a great lay different from someone you love to make love to? Why can I spend an entire day with a woman in her room and come out thinking "well I don't want to see her again" and spend a couple of hours with another woman and think "that's the kind of woman I want to marry"?
My frustration is insurmountable. Simply shrugging and saying that it's one of theose things about life doesn't quite do it. I hate having something invisible in my life that defines it.
Seeing so many different lifestyles, promiscuity, liberalism... Why shouldn't I be able to up and choose which one to follow, which one to ignore?
I hate being controlled, but then again I hate not being able to control myself.
I'm tired, I am tired of loving something then losing it and keeping up an optomistic outlook that another special one will come along. It's exhausting, to keep up appearances. I miss her
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that this is the only turmoil in my life.
anyone care to slap me around and point out how pathetic I'm being? Pining over a woman.. Current Mood: exhausted
|Tuesday, January 27th, 2004|
I have no idea why I feel marginalized, at the same time I feel ashamed that I get so irritated by people who simply won't or can't see how simple things can be. Hanging onto dated ideas. Sure they are the most acceptable and the most common, but they are also the most useless and the most harmful.
I hate this, I can see how people can be so much more effective and content, but it doesn't click in their minds.
and goddamnit why do I even care? why does it bother me so much that seeing people's problems fade if only they would allow themselves a shift in perspective. My own problems dissolving before me...I would suppose it goes back to what I accuse my mother of, when your own troubles fade, you look for others...then again her troubles are far from gone.
I feel awful that I have to suppress my giddy idiotic social sentiments. I want to talk to people, and tell them everything I think and hear what they think and share everything I can possibly share, but it's so damned annoying how things get complicated when people get possessive or dismissive, and then say they didn't mean it. it's been quite some time but I feel like screaming at the sky.
What the hell is the point?
to want to connect with everyone, but have everyone be so damned simple and deceitful and canniving or vexed by their own demons that they can't....?
I guess things come and go for me, and I'm still trying to leave some kind of mark.
Tania was just the latest of beautiful things that came, made me absolutely manically dejected with happiness. and then flew away.
LAtely I guess I wanted to come to terms with it by having many things do that, whether it were simply acknowledging it, or giving it the last touches of separation.
Meghan, Angela, Olya, Natasha, Xenia...and yes, even Tania. I would suppose I'm not sure what I mean exactly when it comes to moving on. I know I do not want to forget them, but I also don't let sadness come over the fact that I won't see them anymore. They are still wonderful pictures in my mind, but I feel no nostalgia for their return, nor do I ache for them, simply smile at their memory. I guess forgetting is not what I want, but rather a push forward. I see the way, but am tired, not too tired, but tired so that I want to settle down, for a little. a nice year with someone, transition is nice, but too much can make one sick.
I guess the voice of my own built up frustration came finally.
I will go to Jin, she will be my vacation from now till I leave this place in May.
C Current Mood: mellow
|Wednesday, January 21st, 2004|
I know I already bored you all with pictures but I went shopping today and bought two new shirts plus got a make over so I had to show off some pics. (you can't really tell how much make up I actually have caked on my face it's pretty gross) It was a good mother daughter day. ( Two more of meCollapse ) Current Mood: rejuvenated
|Monday, January 12th, 2004|
I figured it was about time to post more pics. I mean why not right? so hope none of them blind you or anything. ( Picture timeCollapse ) Current Mood: energetic
|Monday, November 24th, 2003|
|Thursday, November 20th, 2003|
I just had to show off my new outfit I'm so damn excited. It was only $15 for the shirt and pants together. How often do you find a pair of pants for $10 I'm so pumped. ( two moreCollapse ) Current Mood: amused
|Monday, October 27th, 2003|
I posted in here MONTHS back, so I figured its time for an update.
these r pretty recent, from sept, and one is a lil older.( Read more...Collapse ) Current Mood: awake
|Friday, October 24th, 2003|
Recent Girlie Pics ;-)
Hiya, just thought I'd post a couple of recent pics of myself which were taken at a couple of recent photo sessions; one of me as a bodypainted she-male gangster, and two at a photo shoot for a transvestite dressing service ;-)( pic here...Collapse )
I have also set up a new website specially for my modelling at http://www.naughtygirl.org.uk/
- enjoy ;-)
|Tuesday, October 7th, 2003|
|Saturday, October 4th, 2003|
|Monday, September 29th, 2003|
|Saturday, September 27th, 2003|
|Thursday, September 25th, 2003|
I got new fall hair....pictures!
It's so pretty...my hairdresser blended auburn lowlights and more lowlights of my natural color (because it had faded so much and roots were starting to show), while also keeping some of my blonde highlights in- so my hair has the look of autumn leaves. I <3 it!!! :)
And here's more pictures... ( someday my prince will come....hopefully...Collapse )
~*Mary*~ Current Mood: groggy